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No. 329. 

A Valet's Mistake 



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rE 



A Valet's Mistake. 



A COMEDY, 

IN TWO ACTS, 



- t 



— BY — 



SherwiD Lawrence Gnnk, 

iuthur of "Only an Activsa," "A Financial Crisis," "Unclt 

Ethan," etc. 



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rO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS- 
ENTRANCES AND KX ITS-RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
UK THE STAGE BUSINESS. 






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8 -4 VALETS MISTAKE. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

As produced under f ■ personal direction of the 
author by The Warren Comedy Company. 
Herbert Holworthy it* oa„ • r n -, 

Harry Fessendex. . Mr ' 8 %™ n f'^ ook ' 

Don. Elwell. ... rr c' u> ^ Car ' y ' 

Edith Stocton £/« flT^ , z?^* 

Edith Flyaway.';;. miIVa^T?*!? *"*' 

Mrs Ft yaw* v J/iSA ^»»'« #. Hanson. 

LY ' tco'ored) z1/ ^ JfiM . e IL Bla . ne 



-x- 



NoTiCE.-^rhis comedy is gratefully dedicated to mv friend and 
instructor, Mr Henry B. Hall, of the Lewes School, of Soxbnr" 

%2&ss$ ^»r nt of his he,p and councii d - rt w ■£& 

o. L, (_/, 



-X 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



R., means Right; l., Left; r. h., Right Hand ; l. h, Left Hand- 
c.,Center; s.e, [2d E.JSeoond Entrance; u. k. Upper Entrance : 
MB., Middle Door; p., the Fiat; d. f,, D or in Fiat R c r i,u 
of Center ; l. c, Left of Center. ' - ' Klg,U 

R ' R ' c - 0. L . c. L . 

%* The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. 



A Valet's Mistake. 



ACT 1. 

SCENE. —A room in the Fast Branch House, Low r Bartlett, .V. IF. 
The first hop of the season in progress, Marcus discovered 



tUStiltlfm 



Marcus. Jus' po Massa Herbert, you can't fool dia chi'ken no 
longer by dla tomfoolory. Things has come to :i crisis, [f deae 
tings continners* Auralius Brown gives notice, dats what lie doe-. 
Bui Lordy, there aint no such thing as Btopin'ofit. Ah Massa 
Bertie, I knows the Bymptoms! When you staid to hunt' frum the 
card party nt Keassearge the other night, I wuz spicius; but when 
yon en in home early for her alt'-rnoon tea, the ratty odor wuz very 
perceptible, and now, whew! Yer sister axes yer, will you stay at 
home to-night, an' you shrugs your shoulders and ''guesses not" an' 
then you jest happens to ask who all am goin' to he there. An' doan 
you look glum, till she mention- Miss Stoctons name P Then you 
jump as though a pin was stuck inter you? I doan 'spose you -ay. 
''perhaps you'll drop in during the course of the evening," act 
fidgety all day, dress up afore supper, and act as though there was 
RO such thing as a club this side of .Jeiico. You'r Bmitten, you am. 
(dusts again) But golly, who'd a thought it wuz catching? [comic 
business) Master and Mistress, man and maid; well it might 
he worse. Dolly am quite a gall, holds her head high, plenty Ol 
spirit, a regular thoroughbred all 'round. (Dolly heard singing 
outside) Lord! an' if here aint the object of my tender affections, 
fust look kinder slick I 'spose. (arranges nectie at glass 

Enter, Dolly, l. e., still singing. 

Dolly. ''Pop goes the weazle." [speaks) Hello Marcus! 

Mar. Hello Doll! 

Do/. Miss Dolly, sir, if vou please. 

Mar. All right Miss Dolly, sir. 

Dol. Impudent. 

Mar. Datso? Well if that is impudent, let me call vou just 
plain Dolly, and not. so very plain either. 

Dot. Flatterer! Goodness, what do men know about dnstin°"? 
[takes duster) Whew! what a layer of dust, and 'most time lor the 
party too. You are neatness personified ! 

(dusts rapidly, knocks down vase, which Marcus catches 

Mar. Gorxl Lord Dolly, what's you about? You don't kno^v 
nullin' at all! 



4 A VALET* S MISTAKE. 

Dot. Very well, Mr. Marcus, I know enough to leave when I'm 
not wanted. I never will speak to you again. So! (starts l. 

Mar. See here, Dolly, L's awful sorry. I won't do it again. 
Honest injum. (pats arm around her 

Dol. Stop, please Marcus. T should cartainly scream if 1 was 
sure that nobody'd heir. (Marcus tries to speak) O! I know very 
well what you want to say, but if you don't let me alone, I may 
never say "j r es." (he starts to release her) And if you do, I'll say 
"no" anyway. 

Mar. Well, that do seem to be a pretty tight place to put a pore 
niggar in. 

Dol. I shouldn't mind being in a tighter one. (Marcus takes 
the hint) Marcus, how dare you hug me like that? (Marcus kisses 
her) Mercy, you bad man! Goodness! there is somebody coming. 
Let me go or we will be seen. And if 3^011 will be good and promise 
all sorts of nice things, we will call it allsettled and — lear me Marcus, 
let me go. (exit, l., hurriedly 

Enter, Herbert, r. e. 

Herbert. Hi there Marcus, you rascal ! So you are up to the 
regular game, are you? See here man, what right have you to be 
lashionable? Valets ought not to imitate their masters in that scan- 
dalous manner, or I mean — that is — 

Mar. Yes, I know what you mean. 

Her. O! I've no doubt of it. 

Mar. Lord, yes sir, I knows all about it. Yer see,?Miss|Dolly an* 
Edith — no! Miss Edith and Dolly are very much attached to eat h 
other, and so I'm going to marry the mistress and you can marry 
ihe maid. 'Twould be a pity to part am, wouldn't it now? 

Her. You impudent black scapegrace! I've a mind to shake 
some common sense into your head. 

Mar. Sense me Massa Herbert. P'r'aps you'd rather reverse 
th'ngs, so'd 1. (exit, l. e. 

Her. So poor chap, he's in love. Well, well, I must be lenient 
with him. If he feels as I do — 

Enter, Harry, l. e. 

Ah! my boy, how are you? 

Harry. So! so! old chap, how wageth the world with vou? 

Her. Moderately old boy, moJerately. Dduced bore this society 
though, don't you think? 

Har. Yes, but you don't. Just throw in Edith Stocton and you 
cease being bored at once. Now don't try to look surprised. You 
can't make it effective, never do anything you can't make ellective. 
O! you are a nice kind of a confirmed bachelor, you are! 

Her. But— 

Har. Never but, either. That's a bad way to get into. Let me a 
tale untold and then deny it if you can. A chap name 1 Holworthy, 
in company with a younger sister and an elderly aunt, to see thai 
they behaved, last summer took in a delightful sea-side report. At 
the hotel they met a number of young people of tieir set and formed 
one new acquaintance, Miss Edith Stocton. TennK hops, boating 
and the like, bring the hero ot this romance and Miss Simplicity 
together a great deal ol the time, and ''yours truly" wouldn't sell 



A VALETS MISTAKE. & 

one of blfl hawkeve negative! for a tiny fortune. Possibly you re« 
member the time l caught it on Bass Rocks. I shouldn't wonder if 
it had something to do r»ith the Budden change of temperature shown 
you by .Minnie Prim about that time. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Flossie 
Tarbeli hasn't Bpoken to you since, has Bhe? Hut let iia not anti- 
cipate. Herbert, the innocent, and his fair Imo^ene decide to keep 
up the acquaintance so pleasantly began, andl at's why this deuced 

bore BOCiety Is endured. That's Why you carry a riuu r in your 

pocket, waiting to pop ami !)c accepted as a matter "i oourse. 

Her. Why a matter of course? 

11 ir. Ha. ha! Why a matter of course? 

//.;■. Well, I don'i mind admit iris; that whit jrou 6ay is par- 
tially correct — partially however. You sec Misa Sto ston was all 
cut up by the Bud len disappearance of her brother, so when I u r ''' 
the opportunity, I mean to volunteer a> bis BUbstitUl ), but I be£ 
leive to assure you that my acceptance is not a muter of course. 
0! by the way, how goes your flirtation with the other 10 lith? 

// <r. 01 clean cut out by Don Elwell. Shehas him safely landed 
a id lie will soon be saddled by the most atrocious of mother-in-laws 
on ' arth. 

Her. Talk of the devil and you'll hear the clatter of his hoofs. 

EnU r, Donald, l. e. 

Dm. Well boys, how goes it? 

// ir. Splendidly my b >y. 

Her. Sit down old chum. 

Don. Well I've got a hit of news for you fellows, I'm engaged. 

Har. Whew! 

Her. "Golly 1" as Marcus says, who is the vie— or lady? 

/Jon. Edith. 

Her. What? 

Jinn. Miss Flyawav, have you any objection'.-' 

Her. Not in the least, take her and be happy. 

Har. It's all right old chap, but how about the mother-in-law? 

Dm. Hang the m >ther- in-law! 

Har. Thai's so! 

Her. There is a lovely piece of vox* down cellar. 

Har. As I live, here comes the lady herself! (Harry and 
lliiaa i;i start) Don't run. I me.vi :.i • young lady. 

Her. (to Harry) Come! let's evaporate. 

Har. All right. Say Don, when you see him a'one with Edith 
Stocton, do as much for hi n. Ha, ha! com > along ol l chap. 

' "', 1 1 ekbkh i an i Harry, r. e. 

Enti r, Edi i m Flyaway, l. e. 

Edith I\ 0! Don, I as!» d mamma, and what do von -uppose she 
said? 

Don. S'.e must have been more than delighted. 

Edith /•'• No! She just said "A great deal better than none, 
chiM. 1 es, a great deal belter than none,'' and I'm sure 1 agree 
w'w'i her. 

Dm. O! do you, you little rogue ? Well, I not only think th.t 
you are better than Hone, but than all the rest put together. 

Edith F. There Don, you blessed old hoy, you shall have 9ome« 
thins: nice for that. 



6 A VALETS MISTAKE. 

Don. May I? There then, and there. (kisses her 

Enter, Edith Stocton, l. e. 

Just one more and— (sees Edith Stocton) Thunder and lightning ! 

(exit, R. e., the ladies laugh 

Edith F. You won't tell will you Miss Stocton? Because our 
engagement is partially a secret. 

Edith S. Be sure I won't my clear, but are you perfectly sure 
you'll be as happy as you conld wish to be with him? Now f r my 
part I should prefer a man more like Mr. Holworthy. 

Edith F. And I think he would prefer a lady more like you. I 
trust that you don't intend to enter upon such a thing a9 an engage- 
ment with him just yet. 

Edith S. I assure you that I shan't until he asks me, and he ig 
about as timid as he very well can be. 

Edith F. Well, as he seems to be coming this way, I think I'll 
go and give him a chance. 

Edith S. No ! don't go just yet. 

Enter, Herbert, l. e. 

Her. Good evening ladies. This is indeed a rare treat, (aside) 
Now what in the name of providence possessed that litt'e flirt to 
come in heri at this time ? (aloud) A most lovely night. The view 
of the moon from the piazza. Miss Flyaway, is simply delicious. 

Edith F. Yes, I came from the conservatory a few moments ago, 
but if there is any thing to be seen, I rnu-t see it. (exit, l. e. 

Her. (to Edith) We seem to be alone. Egad we are — are alone. 
(a pause, then aside) Stage fright. 

Edith S. Yes, Mr. Holworthy, we are alone, (aside) If this 
continues, I hope we shan't be alone very long. 

Her. My dear Miss Stocton; Edith, if 1 may call you by that' 
melodious, er nickname, (aside) Blank it, what a consumate ass I 
am ! 

Edith S. Of course. 

Her. Eh? Oh! Edith it shall be then until— until the end of 
time, (aside) Poetic enough for a starter. O ! by the way I was 
christened Herbert, but it's a fact of no particular consequence. 

Edith S. (aside) How charmingly, toots like! 

Her. Edith, the interview I desire with you is one of great im- 
portance to me, and 1 hope to you. 

Edith S. (aside) I believe he's going to do it. 

Her. What I want to say is — is — (aside) I begin to feel that the 
job is bigger than the man. 

Edith S. Don't you think that if you kept very still for a 'few 
moments that you could collect your rather scattered senses, and till 
then good-bye. (starts offL.. 

Her. My dearest Edith, don't leave me like this. We have not 
known each other long, but long enough 

Enter, Mrs. Flyaway, r. e. 

for me to know that life without you wou'd be a blank, and — (Edith 
sees Mrs. Flyaway and makes a hurried exit, l. i\, then Herbert 
aee-i her) The devil! ^exit, l. e. 

Mrs, F. What a peculiar young man, How rudely he. treated 



A VALETS MISTAKE. ? 

mo. I hoped he would ask mo for a dance, but "another hope la 
dashed to fragments on the cruel ledge ofdlspair." 1 think tharoeh- 
tlment will do for my novel. 

EnteTi Harry, r. f. 

i rood evening, M r. Fossenden 

//, ,r. (aside) Hump! the old lady, eh? I'll humor her a bit. 
(aloud) Good evening. Beautiful evening, don'l you think? 

Mrs. /•'. .\ii! [ am so glad to aee that you air Busceptable to the 
beaute* of nature, I -hall put a character like you in my next 

IIOV"]. 

Har, Honored I'm sure. 

v,-.,. /.-_ \i,: Mr. Fessenden, I greatly admire your poetic dis- 
position. I had hope 1 to till the place of your lamented mother, 
hut the fate3 willed otherwise. 

//./>-. [aside) Three cheers for the fates ! 

Mrs. F. Did von speak? 

II. \r. Yes. I said tint probably the fates considered you too y »ung 
to till that office suitably. 

Mrs. F. (aside) Exquisite sentiment. He shall be the hero of 
my next novel. (exit, l. k. 

'/?.<;•. (aside) It's a wonder she didn't propose on the spot. Well, 
« he follow'sup Don Elwell, sh.'ll mar his counanbial bliss with 

rengence. 

Fntcr, Herbert, r. e. 

Her. Meditating on matrimonv? 

Har. Not exactly. Were you? 

Her, Decidedly. 

/// . Then I'll get out. 

Her. Nodont*! I want your advice. I half proposed to Edith 
to-night, and that confounded Mrs. Flyaway blundered in ami 
-polled it. Now. if you will dictate a nice sensible letter, you will 
oMiu'e, yours truly. (sits at desk 

Il.tr. "My own darling Edith?" 

Her. Bosh ! be sensible. 

Har. "Miss Stocton, respected lady?" 

Her. Say, are von sane or not? 

Har, "My dear Edith?" 

// r. All right, tire away! 

Har. (dictating slowly > r 'tile Herbert writes) "You cannot but 
have suspected my feelings towards yon for the past year, and since 
to-night I cannot but hope that you will look favorably upon this 
declaration. Wh*»n we fir«t met your beautv excited my sincere 
admiration, and now I fe I that you will not he surprised when I 
Btate, that you have twined an ivy over that delicate and suscepti- 
ble portion of the physical anatomy, called the heart, which time 
never em uproot, (not the heart, but the ivy, you understand.) 
Hoping i hat you reciprocate my affection, I take this opportunity to 
Lender you my hand and above mentioned heart. Enclosing stamp 
for reply, I remain, yours siucerely, H. L, II." (aside) Clark's 
Complete Letter Writer, Form 37, revised and adapted. 

Her. Don't flatter yourself that I put in all that rubbish. Well, 
it's done anyway, Just amuse yourself, will you? and when I've 



* A VALETS MISTAKE. 

flashed off this other note, I'll be with you. {writes — after folding 
notes — calls) Marcus! Marcus! Where is the black vagabond ? 

Enter, Marcus, l. e., yawning. 

Mar. Did you call, Massa Herbert? 

Her. Yes! Take this note to Miss Stocton and this to Miss 
Flyaway. 

Har. You'r not proposing to them both, I trust? 

Her. Hardly. You see Edith Flyaway's brother Tom, w!io was 
\ classmate of mine at college, is settled over a parish somewhere in 
Illinois, and as business will soon call me to Chicago, I may run 
down and see him. 80 I ask his sister for his address, {to Marcus) 
You needn't wait, Ebony, and see here, no flirting with Dollv on 
the way, for I'm afraid the ladies will be gone before you can get 
the notes delivered as it is. {exit, Herbert and Harry, r. k. 

Mar. O! Lord. He done put no writin' on the outside and I done 
clean forgot which am whiches, and ten to one, if I come back, thout 
'em delivered, I'm a dead nigger. Poor coon ! I got it; {lays letters 
on the floor) I toss up this cent, and if it comes clown heads, I takes 
{points to letter on right) you to Miss Stocton, and if it comes down 
tails, I take {left) you to Miss Flyaway. No, dat ain't it. It this, 
way. Heads, Stocton wins; tails, Flyaway looses. No, dat ain't itj 
niether. {takes up one letter) Heads, your Flyaway; tails, your 
Stocton. Dat am it. (tosses up) Heads It am. Dan this am Miss 
Flyaway's, dis am Miss Stocton's, and {picks up cent) dis am Mr, 
Brown's. {exit, l. e. 

Enter, Donald, r. e. 

Don. Why in the name of all that's respectable, does'nt that! 
gorgan retire ? Here she's given her consent to our match, and if 
she had a thimblefull of sense, which by the way she hasn't, she 
would stay at home and write her novel. Ah ! here she comes now, 
and I won't run as I have been all the evening. 

Enter, Mrs. Elyaway, r. e. 

Mrs. F. My dear son-in-law-that-is-to-be, I am so delighted to 
find you alone. 

Don. I'm glad that somebody is delighted. 

Mrs. F. Oh! I see that you are facetious. I do so love humorous 
people. My novels are full of them. But what I wished to see you 
alone for, was to lay the plans for our little home. 

Don. Whose little home? 

Mrs. F. On is, after we, that is Edith and you are married. 

Don. I have no objection to your laving the plans, but at any- 
thing further, I draw the line. I believe your home is in Boston, 
Edith and I intend to board, in San Francisco. 

Mrs. F. And pray what is to become of me? 

I on. I am sorry to say that we are not in Utah, and even if we 
were, I could not take it on myself to, in a common phrase, marry 
the whole family. Good-evening, {exit, l. e. 

Mrs. F. Monster! Wretch! Happy thought, he shall be th< 
villain of "Roderick, the Red Rambler." 



A VALETS MISTAKE, s 

Ent> r, Edith Fi v w v kY, r. b. 

•■■« /■'. Mamma, of all the horrled things thai ever happened to 
me in my life, l think thh is the worst What motive could Herbert 
Hoi worthy have In proposing tome, wh m he has been courting 
Edith Stocton P 

Mrs. F. {asidi Can't marry the whole family. Wc arc going 
to board, taloud) Well my dear, I congratulate you. He is much 
better off than thai temporary Hani" of yours. 

Edith F. < i<>*»*lri* 1 ' — I ma. how can rou talk so? Am I no! en- 
gaged 10 Don? Ami I don't like thai Holworthy chap one bit, a '1 
I'll never have him or anj body I ul jusl Don. So there! 

(exit, i.. >". 

Mrs. /•'. We shall see child, we shall see! [exit, l. e. 

Ent< ' . M \l;< I 3, R. R. 

Mar. [.only Maesa! what have 1 done? Miss Edith do look all 
broke u)) an to'thcr one'- mad, an' Dolly won't have nuffin' to say 
to iie- % ami I feel as ii I was goiu' i" be shot In battle <•• elec r itined 
or 8U mil n 1 worse. (retires up stag t 

I I l RB] I: I Q "' 1 I V RRY, R. K. 

//•;■. Here'sa letter and I'm hair afraid to open it. Well here 
goes, (opens letter — reads aloud) k *Mv dear Herbert, I received 
your somewhat unexpected welcome letter this evening, an I read it 
\\ iih mingled feeling of pleasure and pride. I. -t it suffice for me to 
say that 1 am ever your own Edith " Zip ! she'll have me old man. 
I >«> you hear, she'll have me. Ecstasy ! (cafe ics hold oj M lrcus in- 
stead of 1 1 kRKY) Rats ! 

(kicks M.m:i t s and clasps II irry's hand, Marcus exits, L. k. 

llnr. Congratulations old boy, you know 1 said it was a matter 
i 'I course. 

Enter, Dolly, r. e. 

Her. Yes I know, -till 1 think I am the luckiest dog that ever 
drew a breath. 

Dol, 1 don't, (coming forward) Miss E lith sends this note. 

(exit, r. e. 

Ikir. She corresponds Frequently, doesn't she? 

//-/•. This is not in the same hand as the other. II ing it man, 
what due- this mean? He's gone. Well this is rather queer, (opens 
ii and reads) ''Mr. Holworthy, I am in receipt of your discourteous 
note." (aside) 1 didn't write her two. (leading again) "Allow 
me to say that your heartless joke has had it's desired effect. 1 now 
i equest that all relations between us be con? idered at an end. Miss 
Stocton.'' (tosses down note) This is a forgery. 

Har. No it isn't. 

Her. Then the other is. 

Har. (): no. 

Jlcr. Then she is playing a solo on my feelings. 

Har. Xot at all. 

Her. Fessenden, you'r an ass. 

Har. You flatter. 



10 A VALETS MISTAKE. 

Her. Ceaser! What do you mean anyway? 

Har. Look here, you put no addresses on those notes. The two 
you have received are in different hand writing. Put two and two 
together and throw in the extraordinary thickness of Marcus' head, 
and draw your own conclusion. Edith Flyaway received the pro- 
posal and returns the acceptance, while Edith Stocton, who*e 
brother disappeared so suddenly a short time ago, receives a note 
asking for his address, and navurally returns the answer that you 
hold. For further particulars address Marcus Aurelius. 

Her. I believe you'r right. Let me get my clutches oa that mis- 
erable darkey. But of course I can make it all up with Edith. 

Har. Don't be rash. How about the one that is ever your own 
Edith, that receives your note with mingled feelings of pride and 
pleasure? 

Her. Now I think that I am the unluckiest dog that ever drew a 
breath. 

Enter, Bottlesby, l. e. 

Bot. A letter for you sir! 

Her. Hello Peter, is that you? (.takes letter 

Bot. Yes sir! 

Her. Any answer? 

Bot. I think not sir! Mr. El well told me not to wait. 

Her. Then why do you? 

Bot. I thought perhaps that you had forgotten something, sir! 

Her. O! yes, very thoughtful of you, Bottlesby. {tips him) 
Very thoughtful indeed. 

Bot. Yes sir! Thank 'er sir! (exit, l. e. 

Her. Here Harry, you read it, I'm not on speaking terms with 
notes now. 

Har. (after reading) Here's a lark. 

Her. What is it? 

Har. Don says that he "has found out your proposal to an 1 ac- 
ceptance by his affianced, and challenges you to a duel.". 

Her. That is a lark, isn't it? (goes up stage to decanter) After 1 
have had a swallow, 1 may be able to appreciate the lark, (thinks) 
You'r not in this, (coming down) But of course I shan't light him. 
I'll explan everything. 

Har. O! you muSu't. Think of the effect it would have on the 
ladv herself. 

l Ier. But 1 might kill him! 
lar. That would be impossible. 

Her. Or he might kill me ! 

Har. He probably will. 

Her. Then I'm dame 1 if I fight him ! 

Har. Let me persuade you. 

Enter, Marcus, k. e. When he speaks they both turn and rush for 
him taking him by the collar — as they speak they push him from 
one to another. 

Mar. Massa Herbert — 
Har. You rascal ! 

Her. You villain! What did Miss Stocton, sav when you gav« 
her that note ? 



V 



A VALETS MISTAKE, u 

War, And what did the other one say? 

llrr. I )o you know what you've clone V 

War, Yes, do yon ? 

Jler. 1 1" you don't, ask 111 n ! 

War, You've gol Bliss Stocton down on him and — 

//■ r. Yes, and you've gol me Into a duel and — 

}/<ir. Yes, and there's the devil to pay. (< tit, i-. e. 

// ■■--. Yes, and I've gol to fighl Don ESI well, and I must kill him 
w he'll kill me, with the odds on the latter, and the one that isn'1 
killed, will be hanged or beheaded, or something, and it's all 'I'"' 
to— ( ) : gel out of my sight. * nks into a chair 

Mar. (kneeling so as to look up into his face) Doan take on so 
Massa Berbert. Please don'l feel so bad. I'se awful Borry. Doan 
flghl Mr. El well. Please d >an flghl him, he'll be sure to kill you it 
you doc-. I'll get around Dolly and— ami tell Miss Edith and — O.' 
please forgive me, please, please do. 

Wer, Get out, confound you, get out! 

Sfor. Here's tie insignificenf piece of c pper what got me Into r 
ill i Is trouble. Gosh! [throws it away and ex t, r. e. 

Enter t Mrs. Flyaway, l. e., dragging her daughter — Herbert rises 

and crossi s stage, 

Mrs. F. {forcing hi r daughter int > his arms) Take her my— son, 
take her with a novelist's blessing. 
Jler. What a snap! 

Mrs. F, Fie, you'r so co!d. Kiss her my son, kiss her. 
Her, Oh Lord! (kisses her upon forehead 

Enter, Km in Stocton, it. k., and discovers group, 

Edith S. Oh ! what is he doing? 

Ent> r, Don, l. e., he also < isc »i vs group, 

Don, M is8 Stocton, may I not accompany you back to Pitman 
Hall? There is something I want to siy to you. 
EdithS. (reluctantly) Yes. 

About to start off and faints ; Edith F.se s herand faints also. Her- 
bert catching Edith F. and Don Edith S., both shaking their 
jiits. 

Mrs. F, What a climax for my novel! 

CUBTAIN, 

KM) OF ACT I. 



ACT ir. 

SCENE.— Echo Lake y North Conway, N, II. 

Enter, Herbert and Marcus, l. k. 

Her. Here we are. Did you notify the police of (his affair as .' 

told you. 



1% A VALETS MISTAKE. 

Mar. Yes sir! The inspector said that he'd see that Mr. El well 
was hanged if he killed you, and he'd do as much for you, if you 
killed him. 

Her. And was that all the satisfaction you got? 

Mar. That, and something he said about dueling being a fine 
thing- for decreasing the surplus population. 

Her. Marcus, this is a plot against the life of a quiet in-offending 
citizen. Yes sir! a plot. Confound it, do you think I'm going to 
submit to be shot down in cold blood? No sir! or warm blood 
either. I'm going to leave this infernal spot this moment. 

(starts to leave stage, R. 

Enter, Harry, r. e. and confronts him. 

Har. Where are you going? 

Her. To the spring for a drink, (aside) That's a pretty fair one 
lor a man in his last hours. 

Har. (aside) The hypocrite, (takes out flask — aloud) Take 
this, cold water is but poor food for valor, (aside) Particularly 
when it's in the minus quantity. 

Her. Thanks, (aside) Curse the thought that made him bring 
this, (drinks) it's not so bad as it might be though. 

(starts to hand it back, but Marcus grabs it and puts it in his pbzkeV 

Har. What's the matter old man, you don't look altogether 
happy ? 

Her. Don't I? How strange! (sings) "After the Ball." 

Har. Don't do that. 

Her. 'Just step on the tail of my coat." Harry, my son, I fear 
you have not the eternal soul to appreciate my melody. Mrs. Flya- 
way would appreciate it. 

Har. Would she? 

Her. Yes. Isn't dueling great fun, Harry ? 

Har. Ah ! now you take the right view of the matter. 

Her. Don't 1 though? I fell dead in love with a lovely girl. 
Very good ! I propose to her ami she get's another letter, which 
gets her down on me. Extra nice! Another girl, who I like about 
as much as I do her blooming mother, accepts me. Awlully com- 
fortable ! Her darned mother pushes her into my arms juntas Edith 
comes in to make up. Better and better! Finally I got up early in 
the morning and come out hereto be murdered. Perfectly exquisite! 
Say Harry, don't you think I'd better go home? 

Mar. Yes, Massa FessenJen, doan you think we'd all better go 
home? 

Har. Home? Why man, would you miss this glorious chance of 
martyrdom? Your name will go down to history, coupled with 
that of Alexander Salvini, Hamilton I mean. 

Her. I'm a democrat, and therefore don't care a continental about 
Alexander Hamilton. 

POSITION DURING Til:: FOLLOWING. 
Harry. Hehbe::t. Marcus. 

Har. Are there any words you wish to say to me? A tender 
message for Edith Stocton? A parting blessing for Miss Flyaway? 
Forgiveness for Don? And have you made your will? Won't you 
give me something for a keepsake? 



A J\t I WT*S V! START. M 

;/. it. Tea, have n cigarette ,; 

Har. Jusi glance over this obitu try notice and make any desired 
Borrecl Ions. 

Her, Don't talk thai way, you might make me nervous. 

Ma . An. I by the way, afassa Herbert, cremation la getting to 
be quite fashionable. 

Her, I'll break your head In a minute! 

Har, Never mind, old fellow, act like n man; 

Mar. Fes, doan let him Bee that you mind II a hit. Make him 
think that you rather like it. (Harry taket ' isto 

Hi \ Yes, 1 do rather like it. s How f:ir w i.l those 

gattlinz guns shoot ? 

Har, A bout two miles. 

Mar. And l< i me tell you righl here, thai your only chance is to 
Are first. 

Her. I declare, I won't kill him ' 

Har. (aside) No! 1 don't think you will. 

Har. lt'< perfect barbarity. 

Har. Then you will be leading man al your own funeral. 

Her, 01 I'll fire first. Neverfear. We couldn't have cap pistol*, 

con hi we P 

Har, Hardly. Ah! here comes Don. 

Her. That settles it. (starts to go, Harry restrains him 

Enter, Don and Boi ii.isky. l. e. 

Har, Mr. Elwell, let us set about this painful business at once. 

I>")i. The sooner roe better. I have had no breakfast. 

Her, 1 knew it' I didn't take some before, I shouldn't after. I 
di iii'i feel so very hungry though. 

Har. (to Don) Docs your servant net as your second? 

Don, Yes! 

Har, Mr. Holworthy's performs a like office for htm. Gentle- 
men t |ke your positions. These weapons are my own. Do yoi 
wHi to have the seconds examine them? 

D 'a. 1 waive the right. 

Her, Don't touch those guns, Manns! Comeln're. (aside) Go 
to Elwell's man and tell him how 1 committed seven murders In 
Texas, and what an elegant shot I am. You have an imaginative 
brain. 

Mar. {front Peter come here h second, will yon? Do yon 
know wh.-n an elegant shot my master Is? When he found that he'd 
got to tight your master, he got his pistols and — and commenced to 
cut clotheslines at fifty feet, and toothpicks in my mouth, without 
hitting the month— and almost everyihing. But he's sorry to kill 
your roaster. I heard him Bay, that lie hoped to be pardoned for 
killing a round dozen to duel-, an' that he was chokin' with remorse, 
at having to sacrifice another innocent life on the alter of his passion 
for human blood. An' he's got Kentucky blood in his veins, he has, 

Bot. I don't care. My master is a perfect monument of valor, 
lie kin lick anything on two feet. 

Mar. I'm on two feet just now. 

Bot. An' I don't except yon. 

afar. Well, if I said that everybo Jy in the world could lick me, 
I'd except you. See? 

Bot. Don't set Bass?, 



24 A VA LET'S MISTAKE. 

Mar. Ef you don't look out, I'll give you what my master's goiti' 
to give your master. 

Bot. If you try, something might get broke, that what you can- 
not eit or put in your pocket. 

Mar. Come on then, you no account white trash. 

(they start to fight 

Har. Here you fellows, stop this, (to principals) Is there no 
way to stop this duel. 

Her. Yes, let me go home. 

Har. (pretending not to hear) Then turn back to hack, and at the 
w. id three, tire. On^, two, three! 

(they turn and their pistols click harmlessly 

Her. I don't seem to have hit him. 

Enter, Edith Flyaway, l. e. 

Edith F. Stop you horrid men! Marcus! Peter! Mr. Fessenden! 
Somebody please hold him. Don't you see he's going to shoot Don? 
Do take that pistol away. 

Her. O! I'd just as soon drop it. 

Edith F. 1 don't care for you one bit, and I'll marry Don in spite 
of you. 

Her. Good for you ! Really I am a dreadful cad ! 

Edith F. And you'r no gentleman to propose to a lady when 
she's engaged, and I didn't want to accept you, only Ma made me. 

Har. Just what [ thought. 

Edith F. And when I got the letter, saying that you were out 
here killing Don, I came and stopped it. And I think you'r just 
horrid. 

Her. Go ahead, the harder you hit me the better I like it. 

Edith F. O! Don, do let us come away from this horrid place. 
O! dear — (buries her head on his shoulder and so >s 

Her. I feel sure that we have all been laboring under a mistake. 

Edith F. (looking up) And don't you love me tenderly an I 
truly? 

Her. Well, not exactly. 

Har. Let me explain. The letter you got was written to Miss 
Edith Stoeton, and one for you, was sent to her. You, or rather 
your mother, accepted the proposal, and thinking that you maant 
what you said, he did not make the desired explanation. Tne letter 
meant for you was of a nature, that while to you it could not give 
offence, it did to Miss Edith. Your reply precluded any explana- 
tion and necessitated the acceptance of Don's challenge. Feeling 
sure the truth of the matter was, as it has turned out to be, I sent you 
the letter in a feined hand and you arrived in time to prevent blood- 
shed with unloaded revolvers. 

Edith F. It was all due to Mamma. 

Her. And Marcus. 

Don. Well, I'm glad that things have taken this turn. Herbert, 
you received my tire like a man. (shakes hands 

Enter, Edith Stocton and Dolly, r. e., walking abstractly; sees 
group and starts to retire. 

Edith S. Pardon me, I did not see. 

Edith F. No! Miss Stocton, you must not go. There has been a 
mistake here, and I sure it concerns you. 



A VALETS MI8TARJ2. t& 

M>ir. Yes, Massa Herbert proposed to you and somebody else got 
It, an' the Letter you got didn't orter beyouraan 1 Kl Yil it's all 

right an j u :iv. 

Edith >'. Well, [{can't just tnakeoul what you mean, but If there's 
seen a nii<rak«* any where, I'll forgive anybody who asks me. 

Her. Me? 

Edith 8. Yes, if you are quite sure that you wish to he. 

Her. Edith, the Interview — 

Edith F. Don't go through all that now. Here is the mlssent 
note, it' that don't fetch her, nothing \s ill. it almost fetched nit*. 

I>*>n. What ? 

/ lith /■'. Hut not quite. 

Hier, ( after Edith Stocton has read letter) Will you send the 
answer by special delivery': 

Edith S. Perhaps 1 won't answer at all. 

Her. < rushed again ! 

Edith /■'. Doesn't silence mean — 

Her. ( onsent? 

Edith S. Perhaps. 

Mar. Dolly, as everybody's making up, won't you forgive and 
— and forsret, and always remember? 

Dol. Well, ir seems to !>•> the fashion, so I'll say "Yes" too. 

Mrs.F. (outside, i*.) Where is my indiscreet daughter? Oh! 
where i- she P 

Enter, Mrs. Flyaway, l. b. 
Ah! How dare you — you minx? Haven't you accepted Mr. Ho'- 
worthy? What a climax for Volume One. Mr. Elwell, I should 
think you would be ashamed of yourselfl Don't you know that 
Mr. Hoi worthy claims her as his affiance? 

Don. Look's so, doesn't it? (points to Herbert and Edith S. 

Her. Yes, doesn't it ? 

Mrs. /•'. Bless mel But though you have lost her, I will still 
stand by you. I will help make your little home happy. I will still 
be a mother to you. 

Her. ()! thanks. Don, don't you wan't your Elitli with perqui- 
sites? This is a perquisite. 

D<>n. Not any, thanks ! 

//'/■. Pez, you are to he the hero of her next novel. Let her pro- 
fit by personal observation. 

//"/•. Not much ! 

Hier. Marcus, it was you who mixed up those notes, take her and 
be happy — you have e.irned her. 

Mrs. F. .Merciful powers, an Ethiopian! 

Mar. Somebodv give me one of those pistols quick ! 

Don. Don't you like the idea, Mrs. Flyaway? Then I'll tell you 
what to do. Adopt the stage ! You'll have to begin low, of course. 
Enter as a chorus girl in a comic opera company and ri<e to be a 
second .Julia Mario w or Lottie Collins. 

Her. Wouldn't I like U) see her doing Rosalind. 

Mrs. F. I will retire to my home, renounce the world and finish 
"Agnes' Admirers." 

liar. Do so, everything will th n be satisfactory. 

Edith F, And we will conclude our little romance with "They 
all lived happy ever alter." 

(JURTAIN* 



* LITTLE GOLDIE; 4> 

OR, 

The Child o f the Ca mp. 

A. Western Comedy Drama in Four (4) Acts for 11 male 
and 3 female characters, by 

M R, CHARLESOTWILLARD.- 

Little Goldie is a strong Western drama. It is replete 

with startling situations, thrilling incidents and 

interesting from the beginning to the 

end. Dutch, Irish and Negro 

characters for the 

comedy parts. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT I.— The picnic near the "Black Hawk's" cave. The lawyers and Mike. Little 
Goldie has fun with the Judge. Mike makes love to Matilda. The Judge is appealed 
to. Matilda and the Judge. Joe arrived late. The Captain of the Black Hawks 
shows up. Tells the gang a story". Old Jones is rich. The plot. Peter's meets old 
Jones. The struggle. Little Goldie to the rescue, backed by the Judge and his 
"cannon." "It wouldn't do in this glorious climate of Colorado." 

ACT II.— The Col. and the Maj. lament the escape of the Black Hawks. The 
Judge gets drunk. Mike tells some new. The boys "lay" for the school teacher. 
The school teacher arrives. A female. The Judge makes a speech. Joe drops in and 
cuts them all out. Matilda and the. Judge. JVlike gets mad. The Capt. of the Black 
Hawks again. Little Go'die at her pranks— has trouble with Godfrey. Joe inter- 
feres. The Col. and Mai. get in their work. Judge tries to escape from Matilda. 
Mike helps him out. The recognition. The story. I will be there. The quarrel. 
"Dropthnt knife, or I'll fill you full of holes." 

ACT III. — The home of Edith. Matilda tells a little gossip and departs. Joe calls 
and tells Edith of his love. The Judge hears him refused. Joe departs. The Judge 
tries his hand. Matilda unexpecetdly returns. The Judge in a fix. Little Goldie 
again. A new baby. Godfrey calls on Edith. The promise. "So will I." The Col. 
and Maj. Mike happens along. The Judge takes a hand. Little Goldie looking for 
Joe. Handsome Harry. "I'll play this alone if I die for it." Near the Black Hawk's 
retreat. The Black Hawks. Godfrey waiting Edith's arrival. Edith arrives. 
"Never." "Then go where you belong." Handsome Harry to the rescue. "Defend 
yourself." Harry is overpowered. The fate of a traitor. Goldie to the rescue. The 
ter-ible fall of Godfrey. 

ACT IV.— Bummer Jones' (George Winfred) home in Denver. Mike Flynn in 
command. The reformed Bummer. The letters. The letter from the nephew. The 
nephew arrives Godfrey as a "Missionary." The uncle writes a letter dictated by 
the nephew. The an ival of the Judge. The murder. The Col. and Joe. Godfrey's 
claim. M'ke tel's what he heard. Godfrey accused of murder. "His child and 
tre heiress is dead." The heiress found is Little Goldie. Handsome Harry. Godfrey 
cheats the l'iw. Edith and Joe. Unexpected arrival of Matilda. Happy finale. 

Amateurs will find this piece just what they want, as it 
was written expressly for them. 

PRICE 25 CENTS PER COPY. 



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jimes' Pi \ — Continued. 


















tVGEDTES. 
FARCES &COMEDIETTAS. 









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J5_nies' Plays — Continued, 



*£ 



NO. 

Jill 

167 

::ds 
285 

295 

54 

2S 

292 

142 

276 

263 

7 

281 

312 

269 

170 

213 

151 

56 

70 

Bo 

147 

155 

111 

157 



M. K. 

The Bewitched Closjet ;> 2 

The Coming an 

Turn Him Out 

The Actor's Scheme 4 4 

The Irish 'Squire of Squash 

Ridge I - 

The Mashers Mashed 5 2 

The Sham Prof ssor 4 

Snellin' Skew! i 6 

The Two T.J'S 4 2 

Thirty-three Next Birthday.. 4 2 

Tim Klanuigan 5 

Tit for Tat 2 1 

The Printer and His Devils.. 3 1 

Trials of a Country Editor..., 6 2 

The Won'lerrul Telephone.... 3 1 

Two Aunt Emily " 8 

Uncle Ethan 4 '■'> 

Unjust Justice 6 2 

U.S. Mail 2 2 

Vermont Wool Dealer 5 3, 

Wanted a Husband 2 1 

Wooing Under Difficultie 5 3 

Which will he Marry 2 8 

Widower's Trials 4 5 

Waking Him Up 1 2 

Why they Joined the Re- 
becca <» 4 

Yankee Duelist 3 1 

Ya ken Peddler 7 3 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 



204 

325 

65 

15 

172 

98 

222 

214 
145 
190 

27 
230 
153 

li*;; 

24 

3J9 

47 
77 
88 



Academy of Stars 6 

-\ Coincidence S o 

An Unwelcome Return 3 1 

An Unhappy Pair 1 1 

Black Shoemaker 4 

Black Statue 4 



md. 



Colored Senators.'... 4 ... 

Chops 

Cuff's Lnek 

Crimps Trip 

er Lane to Crave 

Hamlet the Dainty 

Ha unfed House 

How Sister Paxev pot het 

Child Baptized 

Handy Andy 

Hypochondriac The .... 

In Fot It 

In the Wrong Pox 

Joe's Vis t 

M ischie von s Nigger 






NO. a. 

Vfidnight Colic 2 

128 Musical Parker 2 

90 No Cure No P iiy ;; 

61 Not as Deaf as He Seems 3 

244 O'd Clothes 3 

Cabin 2 

OldPomoey 1 

n 4 

Hi!) Other People's Children 3 

297 Pomp Green's Snakes 2 

134 Pomn's Pranks .• 2 

258 Prof. Pones 'Latent Invention 5 

177 Qiiarr rvants 

96 Rooms to Let 2 

107 School :> 

133 Seeing Bosting 

179 Sham Doctor 3 

94 16.000 Years \go 3 

243 Snorts on a Lark 3 

25 Sport with a Sportsman 2 

92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 

238 Strawberry Shortcake 2 

10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 

64 That Bov Sam 3 

253 The Best »' 4 

282 The Ditelligence Office 3 

122 The Seleot School 5 

US The Popcorn Man... 

6 TheSlulio 

10S Tho-e Awful Boys.: 

24,5 Ticket Taker.... 3 

4 Twain's Dodging 

197 Tricks 

198 lT„,p ; Jetf;' 

21*! Vice Versa. ■■• 

20<; Villkens and Dinah 4 

210 Virginia YTmnrav A 

tole the Chickens 1 

205 William Tell 4 

\i& Wijj-Maker and HisServ 

GUIDE BOOKS. 

Hints nn Elocution 

to A uiatenrs 

CANTATA. 

On to Victory 

TABLEAUX. 
Festival of Days 

PANTOMIME. 
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2nd 

260 



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